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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Ferris Buellers Day Off Super Bowl Commercial?!

Ferris Bueller has returned! Sadly its just for a Super Bowl commercial spot, but still, if this is as close as we can ever get to seeing Matthew Broderick return to this role, then I will take it. And we can also hold out hope that the commercial goes over huge and they decide to round up the rest of the cast and fire out a sequel. Below is the teaser for the commercial which is the greatest 10 seconds I have ever seen on YouTube, the full commercial will be revealed on Monday, and of course can be seen during the Super Bowl.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Chuck Norris is a pussy. Expendables 2 rated PG-13.

For the love of crap. Seriously? This world is getting more pussified as it spins. Today it was revealed that, Chuck Norris, got all butt hurt that kids couldn't see The Expendables 2, because it had a bunch of bad asses cussing at each other, so he asked to remove all the swearing from the script...


So, they can kill the crap out of people, but just don't call them a bad word? Really? REALLY?

Here is what Chuck Norris and his vagina had to say....

In Expendables 2, there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay. For this reason, many young people wouldn’t be able to watch this. But I don’t play in movies like this. Due to that I said I won’t be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be classified in the category of PG-13.

Wow. So, if that was the case, why not find someone else to play his role in the movie? Why not hang up on Walker Delaware Ranger and call up good pal Carl Weathers and say HEY CARL! YOU'RE IN! And then we'd have someone just as bad ass, and a sweet hard R rated action movie. Instead we now have Chuck Twilight Norris calling people buttheads and stuff. Fantastic!

And here is what Stallone had to say...

the film is fantastic with Van Damme turning in an inspired performance... Our final battle is one for the ages. The PG13 rumor is true, but before your readers pass judgement, trust me when I say this film is LARGE in every way and delivers on every level. This movie touches on many emotions which we want to share with the broadest audience possible, BUT, fear not, this Barbeque of Grand scale Ass Bashing will not leave anyone hungry...Sly

Wow...just wow. So we can forget all of the great jokes made when the first movie came out. Remember ones like, "You have to kill and drink an animals blood in order to get tickets to Expendables." Or "You have to be involved in a fist fight before you can enter the theatre." Or "Instead of popcorn and soda, theatres will be serving raw steak and whiskey for Expendables." Now I guess we can say, "You have to be a Avon subscriber in order to see Expendables 2." Or "You have to have seen all Twilight movies in order to see Expendables 2."

Ugh, just UGH. Chuck Norris is dead to me.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Certified Bullshit: Blue Ivy Carter

So Beyonce had her kid.  Now all the sites that have been watching for a fake stomach pad to fall out of Beyonce's shirt can maybe find a life, then again they will probably just move on to adoption conspiracies etc.  My point of today's Certified Bullshit is the fact that people have kids every minute of every day, yet this birth is being treated like the second coming of Christ.....and it's stupid.

Now this isn't anything against Jay Z or Beyonce, both are icons in music and no one can doubt their success.  It's not even the fact that they paid a million bucks for a whole floor of a hospital to have this kid in.  They're rich as all hell, so why not spend on a whole hospital floor if that's what they want to do.  This is more of a rant on this infatuation the public has with celebrity babies.  There are celebrity parents selling the rights to publish their kid's first pics to whatever magazine and people are dying to know what these kids look like.  The real newsflash here, most babies look like.........babies.  It's not like Blue Ivy Carter is going to come out rapping or performing the latest Beyonce song.  The Internet was taken over as soon as news broke that Beyonce finally gave birth, and it hasn't slowed down since with rumors, lawsuits, and just general bullshitting about this kid. 

Blue Ivy Carter is already a celebrity whether she likes it or not.  Apparently the kid crying is already in a new Jay Z song.  I just don't see the infatuation.  It's a baby, cool, congrats.  It's not going to change any of your lives, nor are Jay Z or Beyonce going to thank you personally for caring so much.  So if you are spending your day engulfed in the latest Blue Ivy Carter news, you need a life instead of spending your day with some Certified Bullshit.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Certified Bullshit: Teen Mom

I've been thinking about starting this series for a while now, pretty much because there are so many things in the world that completely suck and deserve the label of "bullshit."  I think my Kardashian post was along these same lines, but now there is a new breed of talentless "celebrity" that got famous solely because they were whoring around as teenagers and got knocked up.  That's right, today we are certifying MTV's Teen Mom as bullshit.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of documentaries.  When this whole concept began as "16 and pregnant," I got the premise.  A show that documents how some idiot 16 year olds got knocked up and how their life sucks because of it might make at least a few young girls try to avoid such a life.  Some will say the show put too much spotlight on the idea of getting knocked up as a teenager and getting to be on TV for it.  I can see that point, but I think the idea of at least TRYING to deter girls from ruining their lives by giving them a glimpse of what it would be like made sense.  It wasn't until a couple of seasons of this did things take the wrong turn.

When this whole "Teen Mom" show came to be, it was basically picking out some of the knocked up 16 year olds from 16 and pregnant and continuing to follow their lives and idiotic decisions.  It was at this point that these girls became "celebrities" at least to the tabloids, and this show became just another soap opera fix.  None of these girls woke up and got their shit together, they all either end up in jail, found other guys to bang, or apparently even get knocked up again (with different fathers of course.)  These girls have turned the whole thing into just another show that people watch for the drama, break ups, make ups etc. 

If it wasn't for the fact that these girls and their drama are on every magazine and gossip site, who treat them as if they are actual celebrities then it wouldn't be so bad.  But like the Kardashians, the teen moms are everywhere and this show IS glorifying the idea of becoming a TV star just by getting knocked up just like these new "role models."  Is anyone learning anything from these morons anymore?  I think not.  None of them have turned their life around, and if any have then I assume they are the ones not being featured on the show.  

They are not celebrities, they are not role models, they made a dumb mistake and didn't smarten up even after the fact, no one is impressed or inspired,  there are no "true love stories" or anything they TRY to portray on the show, therefore we certify all of it, as BULLSHIT.

Bullies Bully. Parents Parent.

Not a week goes by that I don't read about some teen killing themselves because of bullies. They get bullied in school, go home, and kill themselves. Then I read for days afterwards how we need to rise up and stop bullying and all that mess.

Do we need to stop bullying?


People need to start PARENTING.

You know how long bullying has been around? Forever. Cavemen were probably bullies to other cavemen. And how many kids were killing themselves over bullying decades ago? None. Back in the 90s, you rarely heard about teen suicides because they got made fun of in school. In fact bullying is helpful. It builds character. Hell I was bullied in school, did I go and kill myself? No. It built some character, and it made me a better person. Because I had good parents. I had parents that taught me to not give a crap what kids say, and that my families opinion, and my own opinion about myself was the only opinion that mattered.

More parents need to step up and take note. If your kid is coming home depressed out of their minds, talk to them, sit them down and figure out their problems. It's what youre supposed to do. Kids today are complete wusses. Seriously. And why? Because most parents today are useless. They do nothing with their kids, they don't try to get involved with their lives, they all just sit around and do their own thing and think everything is just dandy.

Bullies don't need to stop bullying. Parents need to start parenting. And schools need to step up. I know someone who had a kid that was constantly being bullied, and they reported it to the school, what did the school do? Nothing. Maybe its time we started protesting some schools to get their act together, instead of protesting a government because you aren't being treated fairly for crap you haven't worked for.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Random Villains Best and Worst of 2011!

It's time to take a look back at what 2011 had to offer. Now as with all my lists, keep in mind I didn't get a chance to see EVERY movie and EVERY show and experience everything that was out there. So this list is based off of things I saw, heard, read, whatever. So if something like Warhorse doesn't make the list, sorry, didn't see it, so chill. So lets start this list off with a bang....

Good grief I couldn't talk to anyone after this movie came out without them going on and on about how great and how funny Bridesmaids was. So it came out, I rented it, watched, and yawned, and that was about it. I saw nothing insanely great or funny about this movie. So what if it is a girls version of The Hangover? It wasn't anywhere close to being as funny as that movie. And if I wanted a movie about a bunch of girls running around like idiots I would watch the far superior Steel Magnolias! Yeah! Bridesmaids wasn't that great! Kristen Wiig is not a genius! Deal with it!

BEST MOMENT OF 2011: South Beach Talents Fail
There was many great moments in 2011. But none pleased me more than seeing the Miami Heat lose in the NBA Finals to the Dallas Mavericks. This was probably the only season in basketball history that I was rooting for the Lakers. I was wanting anyone at all to win the NBA Championships just as long as it wasn't the Miami Heat. And I got my wish. Oh it was glorious.

So this was a girl, who just had a stupid song, and who had her parents pay to have one of those lame companies make her a music video. And the next thing you know the internet turned into a pure ball or rage over it and went nuts. The thing is, the same people who hate this song and hate her, are the reason why it became popular. You know how something becomes popular? People talk about it, good or bad, love or hate, either way if enough people talk about it, it will get popular. So the internet only has themselves to blame for the reason this became as big as it did. If you find something you don't like, don't comment, don't talk about it, just move on and forget it. Or else it will spread, and become popular, and never go away.

BEST TV SHOW OF 2011: Breaking Bad
Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead, Dexter, Shameless, Californication, Game of Thrones, the list goes on of great shows that are currently on TV, but none were as great as this last season of Breaking Bad. The writers of this show deserve a medal. Not some crummy statue, just a medal for such brilliant writing. I had no idea where this show was going to go, no idea where it would lead, left me with ????? running through my head after every episode. Which leaves me with no doubt that the final season that will air in 2012, will leave Breaking Bad as the best show of 2012.

Get the original cast, writer, and director back on board, just so they can do...nothing. Seriously this was a pointless movie to make. SPOILER ZONE They did nothing new, nothing inventive, they didn't even bother to take out any of the main characters. They just introduced some new pointless boring characters, killed them off, and then that was that. Boring, pointless, and stupid, which makes Scream 4 the Crystal Skull of 2011.

BEST ACTOR OF 2011: Joseph Gordon Levitt
Hesher, and 50/50. That is all that needs to be said. It is a shame that he won't be even thought about when awards season comes around, because he killed it, in both of those movies. If you have yet to see either, do it and do it now.

Seriously, it seems like this movie came and went without much of anything. But this was a great movie. Old school Spielberg vibes all over this one. But no one talks about it really, which is a shame. People go on and on about how much they hate sequels and remakes but when something comes along that is neither, they ignore it.

BEST COMEBACK OF 2011: Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise is a little nutty, and people hate him because of it. But I have always been a Tom Cruise fan. I don't give a crap what madness he does in his personal life, I don't spend 50 bucks at the theatre to see his personal life, I spend it to see his movies, and the guy can deliver. We live in an age where the term MOVIE STAR is dead. Most huge movies no longer feature legit movie stars. There was a time where the stars name was in huge bold letters on a poster and the name of the movie was in smaller letters at the bottom. But today? Not so much. So Mission Impossible 4 comes along, and is not only good, but it was the best action movie of 2011. If you were not impressed and didn't have a blast watching MI:4 then you are useless. Seriously. And if you want further proof to the bad assery of Tom Cruise, then watch the video blow, and laugh at the lameness of CGI and whiney girly sissy actors that we have to deal with today.

Yeah bitches! Suck it! You need shots of a character running around close to the top of the tallest building in the world a mile and a half above the ground? Then lets get some rope and cables and do this! Green screens are for pussies!! THE CRUISE IS BACK BITCHES!

That about ends my rants on 2011. But some quick mentions right here first...

BEST REMAKE: Fright Night
WORST MOVIE: Twilight. I didn't see it, but do I really need to?
BEST ALBUM: Foo Fighters - Wasting Light

Adrianne Curry Got Naked for Twitter Followers

What?  You don't know who Adrianne Curry is?  Well you probably wouldn't unless you were a mega reality show fan about 6 or 7 years ago.  She won America's Top Model, then she was on "The Surreal Life" where she hooked up and eventually married "Peter Brady" which also lead to more reality show "fame." 

Since then she divorced "Peter Brady," but has a Twitter presence where she talks about being a gaming nerd and such.  One thing we can say is she seems pretty honest.  She likes attention, and knows showing her big fake boobs is the way to get it.  She came right out and said if she got 300,000 followers on Twitter she would post a naked pic, and she did.  Some call her an attention whore, she says she has no problem with nudity and it's art, we say it's a simple case of supply and demand.  Everyone gets what they want - she wants followers, people want her naked, everyone wins. 

I can't be too big of a jerk on this one since Curry is being pretty straightforward, you want her naked, you follow her.  Since we can't post it here, you can check out the Adrianne Curry nude twitter pic here, and follow her @AdrianneCurry if you want to help her get to 500,000 followers which will mean another naked pic according to her.  Any women out there who want to be Internet celebrities, Adrianne Curry should be your role model.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Wil Wheaton Feels Like We Do About the Kardashians

Happy New Year everyone.  2012 is here, the end of the world bullshit is swirling, but all we plan on doing is being bigger Jerks than ever!  I feel like I started a bit of a revolution with my breakdown of exactly why Kim Kardashian is famous, because now it seems like everyone is joining in on exposing the idiocy of this Kardashian "fame"...finally!

Case in point, Wil Wheaton was recently on "The Nerdist" on BBC and shared his feelings on why it is that the Kardashians are in our faces everywhere we turn. Wheaton even took things to mega-Jerk level by making a Hitler comparison!  Check out what Wheaton thinks of the Kardashians below:

Agreed!  WHY are the Kardashians so famous?  Kim got banged on camera, and we are perfectly fine with that.  If she went on to be a porn star and continued to get naked for a living, so be it.  But why are her sisters famous?  They've done/do nothing.  They don't have musical backgrounds, aren't in movies, certainly aren't royalty, nothing...yet they all get spin-off reality shows and are treated like America's favorite family.  Pukeworthy. 

Which brings me to the next case in point.  It took one person to come out and tell the Kardashians to their faces that they are worthless and have no talent, and that person was Barbara Walters.  Yep, of all people, Walters questioned them to their faces as to why they're famous when they have no talent.  Of course Kim tries to work around it by saying it's hard to make people like you just for being you.  Well yeah Kim, when you suck at life and serve no purpose, it MUST BE pretty hard to have people like you.  We'll wrap things up with video of Barbara Walters asking the questions everyone needs to be asking these morons: