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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

An Alternate Version of The Karate Kid? YES

....And no I don't mean that movie that should have been named "The Kung Fu Kid" starring Jayden Smith that was about KUNG FU and NOT Karate.  I'm talking about the original 1984 Karate Kid with Ralph Macchio, but totally different than how we know it. 

This version of the movie was a "rehearsal" version of sorts.  Start to finish, the whole movie is run through without any props or effects.  It's pretty crazy to see the movie some of us have seen hundreds of time this way, since it's slightly different with some extra lines and scenes thrown in.  One of the real crazy things is seeing the referee from the famous karate tournament playing the part of John Kreese in this run through. 

Not since the hilarious "Wax On, Fuck Off" video have we seen such Karate Kid greatness.  Below is part one of the Karate Kid alternate movie, and the rest is linked when  you click through below:

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Verizon Motorola Droid Razr is Not Better than the iPhone. Are you Crazy?

Here they go again. It seems like for the past 4 years, every couple months, there is a new smartphone aiming to take the crown from the greatest invention in the history of the world- The Apple iPhone. The iPhone is not just a phone, you see. It is an i-everything. As long as you have an iPhone ( and an iMac, Macbook, iPad, and some ipods) you don't really need anything else. Almost everything else is just a phone.

Now one of our old friends is claiming that the Droid Razr beats the iPhone. Are you crazy, dude? Remember when Verizon didn't have the iPhone? These guys even said the Verizon Voyager could replace the iPhone. I can't count how many "smartphones" have come and gone, and many of them are obsolete within a year or less. Meanwhile the iPhone keeps getting updated and just gets more and more awesome.

I don't care what kind of comparison charts or reviews you throw out there that claim the iPhone has an equivalent, the features and pure awesomeness of the iPhones cannot be beat.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Michele Bachmann Lying Ass Bitch? Jimmy Fallon Walkon Song Lyin Ass Bitch by Fishbone

Michele Bachmann, "Lyin Ass Bitch,"* was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon tonight. If you don't know, Bachmann is Congresswoman from Minnesota, and is running for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. She had a bump when she entered the race but is mostly polling in 5th or 6th place these days. Some people consider her a crazier ( and less hot) version of Sarah Palin.

"The Roots" are Jimmy Fallon's house band, and they always try to play some walk on music that is personally customized for each guest. It might be a play on their name, personal background, movie character/roles, or some kind of inside joke. Tonight they played the Fishbone Song "Lyin Ass Bitch" for Michelle Bachmann. When they first started playing, I felt like something was up. " I made out " She's a la la, a la la" but couldn't figure it out.

Then Questlove took to twitter, and let it be known that this walkon song was "snark" and linked to the iTunes page for the Fishbone EP "Fishbone," which included a track listing. The obvious choice was "Lyin Ass Bitch." I checked the lyrics and verified. Sure enough that was it. If I weren't such a Jerk, I'd almost feel a little bad for Michelle Bachmann.

*Now I'm not saying Michelle Bachman is a "Lying Ass bitch." I'm just reporting this.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Ok people, call me a JERK but today's lesson is the use of the word literally...

I don't know where some of you jackwagons went to school but come on already. Let me break it down for you.

The QB is not "literally" killing the other team (unless your watching The Last Boyscout).

You're not "literally" starving to death, your lazy ass is just hungry.

You're not literally going to die if you don't get want you want, unless what you want is an organ transplant.

You are however, literally a moron who is literally making this world a worse place.

I don't know whats worse, people who use the word literally wrong or people who use OMG or LIKE every 10 seconds.... OMG, I am literally going to like shoot one of you in the face one day!

Sack up, take some pride in being at least moderately educated because when the Chinese get here you're ass is literally going to be the first to go!

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Greatest Movie Poster Of All Time! The Expendables 2!

This poster should just be the new American flag. The end. I had to go buy a new god damn monitor for my computer when I first saw this. Not much to really say here, just check this out and be in awe. The only people to have negative things to say about this poster, are also the same people who just got home from the movies after swooning over some vampires and werewolves.

Target Just Got Me Pumped for Black Friday

Next week is the big week for people who have 30+ people on their Christmas list that they're obligated to buy something for, therefore have to get up early as hell the day after Thanksgiving in order to get the best deal. Yep, it's the one and only Black Friday - the modern day "holiday" that celebrates shopping insanity. 

I haven't seen too many crazy deals coming out just yet, but I do know that Target caught my attention with their Black Friday 2-Day Sale commercial.  Apparently this commercial ran last year, but I don't know how I could have missed it.  Target has made magic by comparing Black Friday training to Rocky 4 training.....genius.  Comedian Maria Bamford is shown "training" for the Black Friday madness with the Rocky 4 training montage playing in the background.  They want Black Friday attention, this was the way to do it as far as I"m concerned.  I've read this aired last year as well, but I have no clue how I could have missed it.  None the less, I believe this has my vote for best Black Friday ad/commercial ever:

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Television and The Fall of Men

The Fungus has landed. My first blog here with these damn JERKS. Let the hate mail begin.

As an avid television viewer I take a lot of pleasure out of the old boob tube. I watch probably about 100hrs of original programming each week, supplemented by reruns and Netflix as well. However, now I see television as the double edged sword that it is.

What made me turn on an old true friend? A friend who has been there since childhood? Well, its simple really.... Television Has Destroyed Men.

Here, I have broken down how TV has fucked up the American Male. If you don't like it, well, I'm a jerk.

1. Stupid Fat Husbands:

The Most Likely Offenders: Doug Heffernan, Homer Simpson, Jim

As a fat guy and all around asshole this is probably the most personal of the three with me. Television shows and sitcoms started pulling this shit years ago, who originated the trend, I cant be sure, but Homer Simpson may very well be at ground zero.

Being fat was always in the cards for sitcom husbands, Archie Bunker & Dan Conner just to name a few but they had something, something that made them special, something called testicles. These MEN did manly things, and although they did occasionally slip up for comedic sake, you always knew who the man in the relationship was. Even when Roseanne was browbeating Dan, you knew that at any minute he could turn around and set things straight.

Today however, the television view audience has been overwhelmed with clowns in 4x sweatpants being verbally abused by semi-hot wives. This causes a few problems. First is that it allows fat kids growing up to believe they have a chance with these women, and its simply not true. Secondly, where have all the testicles gone? These women berate, abuse, and generally make asses out of grown men who in return are portrayed as simpletons and morons.

The King Of Queens, he didn't want a baby, she got one anyway, they then got pregnant with a second, sure the show allowed the viewers to think it was a happy ending, but really what we saw was a FED EX driver and glorified secretary have two kids they cant afford in the most expensive city in the world? Why? Doug was castrated, he was asked to work a hard laboring job, come home and deal with his wife's insane father and then to top it all off, listen to his loud mouthed, ignorant wife tell him to lose weight. NUT UP DOUG!

When did we lose control? When did it become not ok to raise your voice or throw a fit? Yes, Archie Bunker was a racist, but his generation also fought and won wars for us, his generation also had American kids in the forefront of math and reading in schools, and his generation allowed men to be men.

2. EMO Parents Raising EMO kids:

Lets talk about our feelings... or better yet, lets make everyone talk about their feelings in excruciating detail.

Stop babying the kids man, let them grow up and experience life. Kids get hurt, kids mess up and get punished and kids get into all kinds of strange shit... well, they used to.

I watch these family based shows like Parenthood and it makes me sick, real life to me, is more like Raising Hope... shit happens. Parents shouldn't be concerned about stunting someones emotional creativity because they got in trouble for spray painting someones wall.

Kids don't get an equal say in the relationship, I don't give a shit if your mom is one of the Gilmore Girls!

Beat your kids people, just don't abuse them.

3. The Anti-Hero

The Offenders: Dr. House, Vic Makey, Dr. Christian Troy, Stone Cold Steve Austin, many many more as well.

Moral ambiguity at its best! Yes, Vic Makey is a great cop, he stops drug dealers, he puts away rapists, but he also shoots other cops in the face, and steals. This is not ok. Yes, its entertaining, yes its good TV, but its not for everyone, and its NOT OK.

There has to be a time where you sit back and say, "Is this ok for my kid, teen, etc?"...

If your TV is doing the babysitting, if your watching Desperate Housewives in the other room and really don't give a shit, well then this whole article is probably offensive and aimed right at you.

Is it ok for your son to be a Vicodin addict if he is also a doctor? Is it ok to punch your boss in the face as long as you have a great catch phrase? I wasn't really asking, the answer is NO.

These same people, parents that scheduled their kids births, parents that talk to their kids on the phone more than in person, are the same people to spit out how "the world is going to hell" and "what happened to our country" well, you're what happened to our country!

You raised crybaby, peanut allergy having, testosterone lacking, morally ambiguous, menstruating girlie-men.

It's your fault. Deal with it.

So, until we pull our kids away from the TV, or god forbid talk to them about what they are watching, men are going to continue to grow up bitches.

How To End Child Molestation

So I've been reading up on this Penn State Sandusky bullpoop tonight, and it got me to thinking about how sick and screwed up people are in the head and I came up with an idea on how to end child molestation all together. Seriously. I know how to do it.

If someone is found out to be a child molester, they get killed.

Yeah, I said it.

No arrest or jail or trial just kill them. Straight up.

Now don't give me this BLAH BLAH EVERYONE GETS A TRIAL BLAH BLAH because guess what, Casey Anthony got a trial and now look! OJ Simpson? Yeah, trials are worthless. So if you get caught molesting kids you get killed, instantly. Why is this such a good plan? Because if that was the way things were done, NO ONE would be doing this anymore. If they knew the moment they were found out and caught that would be killed on the spot, would they risk it? Sure, a couple might because they're crazy. But the numbers of victims would drop dramatically. And this Sandusky guy would be fine, because I bet if that is the way things were done, he wouldn't have risked it and there would be no scandal fiasco at Penn State. And if you think this is a bad idea, ask a victim, or ask the parents of a victim. It's kind of like what I say about drunk driving accidents. If you are driving drunk, and get into a car accident that is your fault, then you should have your drivers license taken away. FOREVER. I bet no one would be risking that, would they?

So yeah, lets start getting tough on criminals. Child molesters get put down. And drunk drivers get their license taken away forever! Boom! UNITED STATES OF RANDOM VILLAIN.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Live Stream Video of the Occupy Wall Street Madness

Well, if you are on the Internet then you are probably reading a lot about all hell breaking loose in New York over this "Occupy Wall Street" business.  Apparently the NYPD decided to clear the protesters by unleashing tear gas and LRAD so Zuccotti Park could be cleaned.  It's a crazy scene on the street that resembles a riot, and it's crazy to think all of this madness is going on right here in the U.S.A.

Even crazier, the NYPD has banned the media from being there and reporting on all of this and has even cleared the airspace.  I don't know if the NYPD thought they would keep any of their actions from getting out, but protesters are streaming all of this live via their cell phones and all this madness can be seen as it happens.  One stream we've been following is "The Other 99" live stream, who have been streaming all of this for days and is  right in the heart of this current riot atmosphere.  Watch all of the Occupy Wall Street happenings unfold live below:

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3: My thoughts

I have been addicted to Call of Duty since COD4. Since then I have spent hours upon hours playing each one, grabbing the new ones at midnight releases. I used to go to the Game Stop to pick them up among the 200+ other people, then realized Super Wal Mart will have it at midnight as well, and there is usually about 10 people there at midnight, stupid Game Stop fans. Game Stop blows, why the hell is every person I encounter working inside a Game Stop such a giant know it all doucher?

Anyways.... back to MW3.

I played through the story in the game and finished it in just a few hours. The game play itself is pretty great, each "level" so to say there is something new to try. But the story itself and the music in the game felt a little bland. But I think its because they know that most fans don't even bother with the story, they go straight to the multiplayer, which is where things get very interesting.

There is a lot of new features in multiplayer. Not in the game types, but in the classes you can now create. Perfect example is the kill streaks. Before you could only set your kill streaks and it remained the same for all classes, but now you can change kill streaks to go with each class you make. Along with that you now have different types of kill streaks. You have the ones we all know and love where the longer your streak goes without dying, the better your rewards are, but now we get a just a kill count in general streak, where even if you die you still get rewarded. And also introduced is the extra perks kill streak. The longer your streak goes, the more perks you can add on top of the three perks you have already set.

There are all new attachments and perks for the individual weapons themselves, which you can only unlock as you level up. No money system like in Black Ops.

The game play itself is more or less the same as always which is fine. I hate when games come out with more sequels and they start changing the controls around IM LOOKING AT YOU TONY HAWK! The maps are not sniper friendly however. Each map I have played so far is pretty tight making using a sniper class almost useless.

All in all, if you are a casual fan of Call of Duty you will of course love this game. If you are a super nit picky nerd I am sure you will just bitch about it and buy it anyways.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Sasha Grey Wants to Read to Kids at Schools

Yes, Sasha Grey really wants to help raise your kids right by teaching them the importance of....reading.  Last week Grey took part in the "Read Across America" program by reading to a group of FIRST graders in L.A.  Shock of the year - parents didn't like it and raised hell about a porn queen reading to their kids.   The school then tried to deny Grey was even there, but too bad for them as TMZ has pics. 

We have another case here of someone who decided she should go out and be the dirtiest porn star in the history of life, but now thinks she's "mainstream" since she's been on some regular TV shows and should be allowed to go and be a role model for kids.  REALLY?  I'm sure most of these parents realize that these kids may come home saying "We had this really nice lady at school today, I want to look her up on the Internet someday and learn more about her" then BAM, instant problems to explain.

Sasha Grey, get real.  You won awards for being good at oral and taking it in the ass really well, congrats, but you are never going to be "respected" or "mainstream."  You can throw fits all you want and say you refuse to leave the reading program, but no school is going to want you nor will they accept your "past."  You made your choice like any other porn star, and that choice DOES put some restrictions on what you do when your porn career is over.   You could always start the "Porn Star Reading Club" and see how far that gets you....probably ALMOST as far Read Across America did.  Maybe next she will tell us how she would like to read her own book "Neu Sex" to kids.  Would you allow this person to read to your kids?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Despite Ryan Dunns death, Jackass 4 is a go.

I never thought this would happen. After Ryan Dunns death I thought for sure that we had seen the last of Jackass. So it makes me happy to see that they are going to continue on yet it will be weird not seeing Ryan Dunns involvement. Jess Margera, brother of Bam, pretty much broke the news on the CKY website about the fourth film happening after a fan asked him how Bam had been doing since Dunns death.

Hey Jess, I was wondering how Bam's been doing. He seems like he's changed a lot over the last year and a half and it's only getting worse. I was just wondering if he's okay. I'm a huge fan of basically you're entire family. Hope things are well. <3
asked by Shylah on 11/10/2011

Answer: He's okay i guess but still very very upset over Ryan. Him and raab were basically part of the Margera family. For the most part we feel like we lost our older brother, and it feels horrible. And now bam has to film jackass 4 without his partner in crime which is going to hurt even worse. So I guess what I am saying is, no he is not okay.
answered by Jess on 11/10/2011

The Ballad of G.I. Joe

Today brings us a video that will be legendary to anyone that grew up in the 80's as a G.I. Joe fan.  The Ballad of G.I. Joe gives us a bit of an update on all the classic characters while we are serenaded by the one and only Dreadnocks.  We didn't think there would be anything G.I. Joe related that would be on the level of the news that G.I. Joe the Movie was coming out on Blu-ray, but the classic G.I. Joe goods just keep coming.  Check out the full video below, and don't skip the ending, as there's a little cameo that makes everything complete:

Country Music Is Better Than Everything

Yeah, you read that title right. I'm from Arizona so country music is unavoidable here. Most people go on about how much they hate it because it's the cool thing to say. But in todays music world, country music is the best there is. Why?

No Biebers, no Kardashians, no awful rap music, no whipping the hair back and forth, no Friday Friday, no Snookis, no Britneys or Christinas. Just people who for the most part actually write their own lyrics and play their own instruments who don't need the help of autotunes and other devices to make them sound better.

You can put on a country music channel, and actually see country music videos! No repeats of Jersey Shore, no Kim Kardashian shit anywhere. Just the occasional country type show and sometimes they'll play Road House. When 9-11 happened, artists and bands put together songs about sadness and dedication, which is all nice and good. But it was Toby Mother Fucking Keith who sang about beating some ass.

I can not stand much of anything these days. I love bands like Foo Fighters and Red Hot Chili Peppers but in order to see those guys on TV I have to sit through all the other shit. So it's nice to have country music channels to turn to and not hear about this stupid Kardashian divorce that no one gives a shit about, or about the damn Michael Jackson Dr Death stuff. Country music, at least in present day, is the best type of music around. And if you want to throw a fit about it, guess what? Chad Smith from the Chili Peppers was also the drummer for another band.....THE DIXIE CHICKS.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Brett Ratner Is A Douche.

I hate Brett Ratner. This guy has yet to make ONE good movie. And the reason why all of his movies suck balls was explained when he was asked about rehearsing with his actors and he replied..."rehearsing is for fags". Really?

Well with that and on top of him jerking off with shrimp and lying about Olivia Munn he now was fired, sorry I mean he resigned as producer of the upcoming Oscars. Yeah, he just willingly left that, and along with that, Eddie Murphy decided that his career sucks enough now, so why stick around to host something that he would be a part of that people will actually watch? So he left too. Can't do funny without Ratner huh?

Brett Ratner is like the Joe Francis of movies. I don't mean what that means other then they both look like creepers who Chris Hansen will end up interviewing in a kitchen somewhere. Why is Brett Ratner always sweaty? Every picture I see him in he looks like he just took a shit at a Taco Bell and is trying to figure out where he is.

In closing, who gives a crap if Ratner said "fags"? Gay people don't even care. This guy is a moron who knows for a fact he is in the public eye yet goes and says some of the dumbest crap on the planet. Like going on Attack Of The Show and talking shit about Olivia Munn. Brilliant move, I hope his publicist fires HIM. He sucks, I could give a 3 year old a toy camera and some legos and you would probably get a better movie out of just that over the crap this guy makes.

Anyone Heard About Kim Kardashian Getting Divorced?!

Seriously...I think the next step in coverage of this Kim Kardashian divorce bullshit fest will be hourly updates on if anyone remotely associated with Kim Kardashian or Kris Humphries has taken a shit.  The world is acting like they are in total shock to find out Kim is a moron, yet all you have to do is take a simple look back at Kim Kardashian's history and it all makes sense that she would get a divorce after 72 days.

First off, let us not forget that Kim Kardashian is only famous because of her sex tape with Ray J.  Yes,  a hardcore sex tape "leaked," Kim got mad, then got happy when she made a deal to make a few million off the tape.  Did anyone know her before the sex tape scandal?  Not me.  Somehow over the years it's been forgotten that Kim made her name from being a porn star, not from being a girl on this nice family reality show. 

After becoming well known for her sex tape, the reality show "Keeping up with the Kardashians" debuted and made the rest of her family suddenly famous, as no one knew who the hell any of them were either prior to the show.  Then she showed how much she was still upset about the sex tape scandal by posing nude for Playboy and making even more money.

And lastly, if anyone doesn't realize it, this is NOT Kim Kardashian's first divorce.  She was married to some music producer over 10 years ago, and that ended in divorce in 2004.  That was all before she was getting nailed on video.  Then of course she was banging Reggie Bush for a while, and a few other relationships mixed in there as well.

 Kim posed nude for W Magazine just last year and was still up to her old tricks by getting "fake mad" that her boobs and ass were clearly shown, as if she didn't realize that would be the case when she took the pics standing there ass naked.  It all made for good TV conveniently enough, which pretty much describes every episode of any of their "reality shows."

Basically Kim Kardashian is famous for getting naked and letting people see as long as she gets paid, for having a ton of fake reality shows, and of course for having a huge ass. Nothing wrong with any that, we're fans of the sex videos and naked pics actually.  But all this "dream wedding" crap and acting like the Kardashians are this nice family other families should model themselves after is crap given all the history.  If making millions from sex tapes and nude photo shoots is your goal in life, Kim Kardashian is your role model.  We are Jerks, we tell it like it is, and the world needed a reality check on the Kardashian bullshit fairytale world.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

R.I.P. Heavy D

With it barely sinking in that Smokin' Joe Frazier passed away last night, today we have to unfortunately report that rap legend Heavy D passed away today.  TMZ reports that Heavy D, real name Dwight Arrington Myers was rushed to an L.A. hospital today and later pronounced dead at age 44.

You may remember Heavy D from his successful rap group from the 80's and 90's "Heavy D & the Boyz," his numerous TV and movie appearances, as well as being behind the theme song for "In Living Color."  He had just performed at the BET Hip Hop Awards last month, which was his first live performance in 15 years.  Check out one of Heavy D & the Boyz biggest hits below, "Now That We Found Love:"

Monday, November 7, 2011

R.I.P. "Smokin" Joe Frazier

As we prepare for the huge re-launch of, we received the news that legendary boxer "Smokin" Joe Frazier has passed away and wanted to take the time to report on it. 

Joe Frazier was a "main eventer" and former World Champion in the golden age of boxing.  Back when boxing was colorful, exciting, and full of characters.  Of course Joe's most memorable feud inside the ring and out was with Muhammad Ali.  Just like old school wrestling, the promos really sold their fights and developed a story of the arrogant big mouth "bad guy" Ali vs. the common man's hero Joe Frazier.  Frazier won their first fight by decision, but lost the 2 following matches with Ali.  Frazier also went undefeated through his world title reign before losing the title to George Foreman in 1973. 

Frazier is also remembered for his cameo appearance in "Rocky," shaking hands with Apollo Creed and Rocky Balboa before their title fight and being acknowledged as a former world champ.  Frazier was a real life "Rocky" in many ways, being he was from Philadelphia and fought his way up the ranks to become World Champion against all odds. 

I've enjoyed the many documentaries that Frazier has been featured in over the years, whether they were about his feud with Ali or the era of boxing in general, there was a magic in boxing at that time that is long gone.  Just over a month ago I read about Frazier being diagnosed with liver cancer and eventually being under hospice care.  It always sucks to hear that a legend has passed, but the magic from Smokin Joe Frazier's era will always be remembered because boxing will never be like that again.  Here is an awesome video tribute to Joe, and set to what better music than a classic Rocky theme song: